Conflict, Psychology | Afraid of conflict? How to set boundaries

Are you the one who dared to defend your rights? Or are you naturally shy of conflict and prefer avoidance?

If you are a person who always tries to avoid conflicts, then sooner or later you will reach the point of saturation. Suddenly, the strategy is seen as more of a burden than an advantage.

You may have learned to accept your character’s elusive style, but still feel dissatisfied with the solutions you choose.

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Character does not change easily

Well-established character traits are distinguished by constancy; They refuse to give up their share of personality without a fight. Especially resistance to change are characteristics whose task is to ensure the existence of a person or the development of his life.

Not least it applies to the part of the character’s record that is expressed in possible conflict situations; Should I choose to fight or dodge?

perpetual dilemma

This has undoubtedly been a dilemma that humanity has faced since the dawn of history. It may have been learned early on that avoidance may be a wise way of responding in certain situations, where one may be in danger of losing one’s life.

In later ages, when class divisions prevailed, people learned to bend their necks and live with humiliation, because current social systems do not tolerate any other response.

About finding himself in the dark

Nowadays, it is primarily conflict situations, where one feels unfair or inappropriate treatment, that leads to latent avoidance. The emotional discomfort that follows the experience is almost crying out for a strong protest, because no one should have to deal with this. However, a backlash that could restore lost honor is not imminent.

Therefore, primarily in relational contexts, one can recognize an individual’s personality style that is conflict-averse. This is especially noticeable if the dribbling technique repeatedly asserts itself, in situations that are confusingly similar to each other.

Excessive politeness? Or maybe cheese?

Why do you end up in such a pattern, where you find yourself almost on autopilot in repeated transgressions against your person, and suffer in silence?

Is this because of internal literature, or can the reason be interpreted as a form of cowardice, making it virtually impossible to define one’s limits in relation to the periphery?

Maybe it’s both? It is not uncommon for there to be a delicate balance between literature and cheese.

Congenital weakness and influence from the environment

If you have an innate weakness for avoiding conflict, these personality traits can be reinforced during childhood and early adolescence, as a result of your upbringing. In addition, the influence of cultural or socio-economic factors of society undoubtedly contributes.

If one approaches adulthood as a conflict-shy person, who constantly avoids personal disagreements, this may indicate that one has an avoidant personality style. This does not mean that one suffers from what is known as schizoid personality disorder, which is in fact a socially disabling condition.

I dare say possessing some elusive personality trait is a “normal state”. In other words, conflict shyness is a common feature of the ordinary population, albeit to varying degrees.

Here you can read more comments from Fred Heggen

The process of self-destruction

However, the truth is that for many it is self-destructive to continue the approach of denial in various conflict zones. Repeated or repeated evasion will, over time, lead to a lingering inner conflict, feeding both vulnerability and self-loathing.

Self-loathing in particular can become difficult to digest over time, as this erodes self-image, which may already be fragmented.

Our inner borders

When we feel that we are being wronged, or we feel that others are taking advantage of us, it means that our inner boundaries have been violated. By boundaries here I mean the invisible setpoints we’ve created, which we deal with when we meet other people.

These points serve as our inner compass, guiding us in moral and personal matters. At the same time, the sense of identity is preserved. This must be the case if we are to be able to maintain our independence from our surroundings.

Our internal signs are tasked with protecting vital boundaries: here, but no more!

Borders must be protected

Although these boundaries are absolutely necessary for us to be able to develop a good sense of self, a strong sense of identity, or a strong self-confidence, it is sadly a fact that many of us tend to forget that these boundaries must be constantly protected from penetration or Displacement from other people.

We may think that the border crossing in question, which may seem like a trifle, will be insignificant in the long run.

Often the result is a non-monetary justification:

“He spoke to me lightly, but he probably didn’t mean it that way.”

“Again, at the staff meeting, my boss has overlooked me, but she’s always nervous, so I can’t let her get to me.”

“Why am I constantly expected to take responsibility? Perhaps they think that I, who no longer have young children, have a better time than them.”

Fear of being ostracized

As trivial as such episodes can seem, we overlook the possibility that our response to them may be part of a pattern, which we learned early in life to accept as a necessity.

Maybe we did it because we didn’t dare do anything else. Or because we have understood that it is the shyness of conflict that pays off, if we are to be loved by those closest to us.

The infantile fear of not being loved by close caregivers is a sadly well-known phenomenon. This fear often persists through adolescence, before manifesting in adulthood as a fear of not being liked by those around you.

How would family, friends or colleagues react if I spoke up, defended my rights, or simply said no?

Generosity is a good trait

I do not mean that in social settings one should not show generosity towards fellow human beings. My point is that this generosity should not become a sleeping pad, preventing the appearance of healthy and necessary reactions.

Of course, you should show tolerance in situations where you feel this is reasonable or appropriate, or when you feel this is necessary to care for a human being across borders, who is clearly experiencing difficulties.

It is also normal for one to set one’s limits in situations where one feels invaded, humiliated, or deceived.

However, these two extremes are related; If over time you develop a pattern of reaction that practically enables others to transcend your personal limits, you will likely also have problems dealing with outbursts of emotional or irrational outbursts from a fellow person in psychosocial disintegration.

Instead, you will be able to perceive these actions as another attack on your integrity, and instead of being generous or indulgent, you may react with anger or rejection.

Read also: The Four Success Tools of the Psychopath

How do you make changes?

How then can an established pattern of reaction, which many would describe as conflict shyness, be altered?

I think the first thing you should do is decide for yourself whether or not this avoidance strategy is a real problem.

If you come to the conclusion that persistent shyness from conflict is a source of self-disgust, low self-esteem, or a persistent feeling of hopelessness, then perhaps you should consider seeking professional help.

For some, a limited number of conversations with someone who can help map out their coping style, and then give wise advice on alternative coping strategies, will be enough to make changes.

For others, psychotherapy will be necessary over a longer period of time until they can come to terms with their elusive personality traits.

No one can accomplish anything without training

The way I see it, you can’t escape the fact that no changes can happen if you don’t “train” this in your daily life. From the first moment!

It’s always good to have a therapist as support and guidance, but you actually have to do the work yourself. It can be difficult and painful.

In order to break the built-in pattern of thinking and action, it is ultimately about saying goodbye to what is safe.

The first time you choose to defend your boundaries, and stand up to outside pressures, it will therefore be an experience.

If one continues in a consistent manner to fight the internal resistance to change, even if the transgression that one thinks they are being subjected to seems too trivial, one will eventually find that the struggle pays off.

One will feel more and more that it is natural for one to take care of one’s integrity, and in accordance with this experience, one’s sense of self will also be strengthened respectively.

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About setting your own limits without getting angry

Although it can be difficult to make these signs work in a realistic and controlled manner, this will pay off in the long run. If you react to a verbal explosion, the result will not be the same.

On the other hand, if you succeed in demonstrating self-control and assertiveness in managing conflict, you will experience in the vast majority of cases that things are getting better.

I am not saying that this will be an easy task. But then, the character’s style isn’t changed in the blink of an eye either.